Preparing to Leave, Learning What Matters
This week, I have my first Japanese tutoring sessions, and I am scared shitless.
I have spent about 115 hours studying. I wake up and read, then practice speaking by repeating what I hear, trying to get my mouth comfortable with sounds it has never needed to make. I fit flashcards and writing between work meetings. Fifteen minutes is enough to finish something on my list. Over the last two months, I have slowly worked my way from an hour a day to around three.
And after all of that, I am worried I will sit down with a tutor and forget how to introduce myself.
I know why that might happen. Recognizing a sentence and finding the words to say it yourself are different skills. This is my first time learning a language. My brain is still making those connections. But knowing that does very little to quiet the fear that I will look completely unprepared.
In my first post, I wrote about deciding to leave the United States. This is where that decision has brought me so far: sitting with the possibility of going blank in a simple conversation, hoping that the work I have done will come through.
Why I am giving myself years
I plan to leave in 2029 or 2030. That gives me three to four years to prepare, and I need that time.
By then, I want enough savings to buy property when I arrive, along with a cushion for the hardships I hope I will never encounter. Moving alone to another country will come with enough uncertainty. I want some financial room to handle things going wrong without every problem becoming a crisis.
I also want time with my family and friends before I leave. There is a strange feeling in planning a departure years ahead: the people you love are still right there, but you are already thinking about what distance will change. I want to spend that time with them. And, honestly, part of me hopes I might convince someone to join me. I am excited about this future. I am also afraid of doing it alone.
The language will take time, too. I want to be able to work at a level comparable to where I am now, with real responsibility and influence over decisions. That asks considerably more of me than being able to order dinner or find my hotel.
Three to four hours of study a day is hard, but it feels attainable. Keeping it up over several years is the commitment I am making, one that will have to survive ordinary workdays and periods when progress is harder to see.
Finding out what daily life feels like
My first visit is planned for February 2027. I will be studying and staying with homestay families, giving myself opportunities to speak and experience daily life while I am still very much a beginner.
I need to enjoy being there. I need to find out how I respond to the unfamiliarity, whether I can make real connections, and what happens when the experience becomes difficult. I want to discover the less appealing parts of living in Japan while I still have time to understand what they would mean for me.
Can I navigate the trains and a daily commute? Can I manage conversations when someone answers in a way I did not practice? What does everyday life feel like with visible tattoos? Can I find gay communities where I feel comfortable and begin to fit in?
All of that will not be settled on one trip. Still, I need to feel some possibility of belonging while I am there. I need experiences I can come home and think about, including the awkward or disappointing ones.
After that, I want to return each year. I want to nurture the connections I have made and make new ones through further learning programs, including programs aimed at technology career placement. Those visits would give me time to develop a professional network, friendships, and a better understanding of the culture before I move.
I want to arrive with relationships I have already put care into.
The career I am preparing for
I imagine a senior role at a technology company or retailer with American stakeholders, or at an American company with Japanese accounts. Somewhere my experience and ability to understand people could help decisions move forward across both countries.
I would need an employer willing to sponsor my visa. I also want to explore whether my eventual role and qualifications could support a faster path to permanent residency. That is a goal I need to investigate and prepare for as the career possibilities become clearer.
I am willing to learn a new language, study business etiquette, and change how I dress and speak with others. I expect that working successfully there will require adjustments I cannot fully anticipate yet.
My creative spirit matters to me. So does my curiosity about people and what motivates them. Those are parts of myself I want to carry into whatever comes next. They have helped me build the career I have, and I want room for them in the life I am preparing for.
Letting someone hear me struggle
For now, the next step is much smaller: an introduction in Japanese, followed by a few minutes of conversation.
Five or ten minutes would feel like a success. Then I want to talk with my tutors about a roadmap through the end of my February trip, breaking down the conversations I need to be able to manage and working toward them over the coming months.
I am working with two tutors who do not work together. I want their lessons to complement each other, with opportunities to use something learned in one session during the other. I want to find out what I can recall when the person, the question, or the setting changes.
To do that, I have to let them see where I actually am. I am trying to resist overpreparing for the first sessions, even though rehearsal would make me feel safer. They need to hear what I can do and where I struggle.
That feels vulnerable. I am used to having experience to draw on, to being able to explain myself and contribute. Here, I might know what I want to say and still be unable to say it. I have to get comfortable letting someone help me through that.
Learning where to put my energy
I started working with my life coach, Anne, when I was at a crossroads. There were a lot of opportunities, and I am the king of side quests. I can find something interesting in almost any direction, which makes choosing where to put my energy difficult.
As obstacles came up, Anne asked simple questions that made me think more carefully about what I wanted and what I needed to do now to give myself a chance of succeeding. Those conversations have helped me make consistent progress on parts of my life that matter to me.
In my first post, I said that manifestation is bullshit. I still feel that way. Wishing has never been enough to make something happen for me. Dreaming matters, though. It gives me something to work toward, and Anne has helped me understand what acting on it requires.
Right now, that means studying in the morning, saving money, booking lessons, and making plans I can follow through on. Each month, something moves forward. Some days, the milestone is simply getting through the practice I promised myself I would do.
What these years mean to me now
There is a little bit of “fuck everyone” in this, too. I can do this regardless of what other people think.
Beyond these blogs, I have been moving fairly quietly. I casually share milestones with family and friends, and sometimes they seem surprised by how much has happened. I like being able to spend my energy on the work and let people hear about it as it takes shape.
My present feels fairly empty in some ways. Philadelphia has hardly felt like the city of brotherly love to me. Trying to keep investing in a situation that feels tiresome takes energy, too. Choosing to learn, prepare, and put time into myself gives my days something I want to participate in.
I enjoy the small milestones. I enjoy understanding something that meant nothing to me a few weeks ago. The pleasure of learning a language is new to me, and I have never made this kind of progress before. I want to keep going.
I would like to say that my plan leaves plenty of room to change my mind. Honestly, it does not feel that open right now. I am invested. I will have to take what I learn on these trips seriously, including anything that complicates the future I am imagining. But I feel a confidence in this preparation that I have not felt with other major decisions in my life.
2029 or 2030 is still a long way away. There are savings to build, people to spend time with, visits to make, and a career path to work out.
This week, I want to introduce myself in Japanese and keep the conversation going for a few minutes. I am scared, and I am looking forward to finding out what I can do.
